考研英语听力，考研英语听力考不考
If we had to make one generalisation about why relationships fail, it would be this: because people get defensive. Defensiveness is behind a predominant share of the failure of all relationships. The difficulty is that there is no way of escaping the sort of situations that can trigger defensiveness.
However sweet and fascinating two people might initially be, it is just inescapable that they will also, with time, and the birth of true intimacy, stumble upon aspects of one another’s characters that can’t help but generate difficulties and a degree of dismay. Each partner could be determined to be only kind, but the way that they shell an egg, leave the bathroom, deal with their suitcase on returning from a trip, handle the household keys, or tell an anecdote will gradually unleash powerful degrees of frustration or puzzlement in those who have to share their lives.
The problem starts when we, as partners, venture to air our responses. Our partners might get very angry or they might get very sad, but the underlying message from them to us would be the same: being found in some way imperfect is entirely unacceptable and deeply contrary to the spirit of true love.
‘Love me for who I am’ is the fateful rallying cry of all lovers headed for difficulties, because it is in reality a monstrously unfair demand to be asked to be loved just as we are, given our panoply of inevitable faults, compulsions and immaturities. With a modicum of self-awareness and honesty, we should only ever expect to be loved for who we hope to be, for who we are at our best moments, for the good that is in us in a latent but not yet realised state.
The spirit of true love should require that whenever there is feedback, we turn gratefully to our partner and ask for more, that we continuously search to access a better version of ourselves, that we see love as a sort of classroom in which our lover can teach us one or two things about who we should become – rather than a burrow in which our existing errors can be endorsed and ratified.
A less-defended attitude isn’t a random gift; we begin to become less defensive when we take on board some of the following ideas:
Behind defensiveness, there is always a dread of being humiliated and abandoned. But a decent partner, if we let them know that we’re afraid, will be moved by our tender desperation and hasty fear. And they should help us to see that what there is really to be afraid of now is not criticism, but an inability to accept its gentle manifestations with grace.
If love really required an absence of even the most minor flaws, no one could possibly qualify for a relationship. Yet in reality, we are love-worthy not because we are perfect, but because none of us ever can be.
In the defensive person’s mind, a tiny comment is like the small rockfall that announces an avalanche. There seems no way to trust that it really is just about how long pasta should be cooked, or the right way to make a bed; the underlying intention seems always to be to inflict a devastating wound on us and speed the entire relationship to a close. The defensive person has not had a chance to experience the robustness of love; how it’s wholly possible to call someone the worst names in the dictionary and then, ten minutes later, to want to lie softly in their arms, tenderness having been renewed and reinvigorated by an opportunity to purge a given frustration. There can be ruptures – and then repair. True love is resilient; it’s not destroyed by a detail but only ever by the way that a detail can’t be acknowledged and processed.
Defensiveness can be outgrown. When searching for a partner, we need to look out for someone who can join us in the heroic quest to recognise and overcome defensiveness. We might even raise this ambition on an early date (we might say, ‘I’d like one day to move to the country, learn Spanish and, maybe with a lover’s help, get over my defensiveness…’. That’s what we might declare by way of introduction to our goals). We could frame the attempt to listen to criticism without fury or hurt as belonging to one of life’s mightiest challenges. Eventually, with a lot of effort, we could hope to reach a stage when a partner could point out with tact and humanity that we have bad breath or that our shoes don’t match our top and, rather than reacting as we have grown up to do, we could simply turn to them, smile benignly and say what flawed human beings should always respond with when another member of the species deigns to help them to grow into a better version of themselves: thank you.
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考研英语听力(考研英语听力考不考)